Deconstructing Billy 

As if to answer the big wail of "Why?" that's gone up in the wake of his decision to sign with the Dodgers, Bill Mueller has shed some light on his thought process in this article from Pravda's Redondo Beach bureau.

Let's have a look:

"Once Grady and Ned were in place, it helped a great deal," said Mueller, who signed a two-year deal for $9.75 million Wednesday to plug the year-long hole left by the departure of Adrian Beltre. "It's nice to go where you know the people."

Does Bill not know Brian, um, what's his face? The other guy with a mullet? Oh yeah, Sabean. What Bill is really saying: he doesn't "know" Colletti and Grady Little, he likes them more than he likes Sabean, Mike Murphy, Lou Seal, the rest of the Giants' front office, and the San Francisco fans. He certainly knows us, doesn't he? He met his wife here, fercrissakes. What about her feelings? Conclusion: slap in the face to all San Franciscans. We can boo him now.

It's no surprise that Mueller liked Little's style of managing. "The first couple of months, he never took me out of the lineup," recalled Mueller. "When there's turmoil, he makes light of it. He gets everybody on the same page. He has a smile on his face and he's positive every day. That rubs off."

No surprise, indeed. Maybe Grady never took Bill out of the lineup because Bill was hitting the crap out of the ball. Forrest Gump could have figured that one out -- and smiled every day, too. What Bill is really saying here is playing for Grady Little makes him feel comfortable, pampered, and unthreatened. Conclusion: The Dodgers will be softer than a box of Kleenex with the weird built-in facial lotion. That stuff is creepy, and so are the Dodgers. Boo Bill Mueller immediately.

"You want to be with a team that has a chance to win, and I feel the Dodgers are moving in that direction," Mueller said. "I know Jeff Kent [a Giants teammate], the type of player he is, and Derek Lowe [a Red Sox teammate]. I think it's a very positive situation and can get better."

Moving in the direction of having a chance to win. Nice. Sounds like Mueller's new boss is having an immediate rhetorical effect on his players. Just a couple months ago, Frank McCourt said, "We want Dodgers here, we want players that play like Dodgers, and so forth." Fire it up, Frankie, fire it up! [clap clap]

Funny, the situation wasn't so positive about two weeks ago, when the Dodgers had no general manager, no manager, a pair of malcontents at each other's throats, charges of racism in the clubhouse, too many porn 'staches, a meddlesome husband-and-wife ownership team, and a team ace who can't keep it in his pants. Some of those problems have been recently papered over with the approval of the troglodyte local press, but we know the real story. Conclusion: Bill Mueller is a liar, and we should boo him incessantly.

Mueller, a .292 career hitter, has had four knee operations, two on each knee, but said he's feeling fine after playing 150 games and the most innings of his career in 2005.

Duh. Conclusion: Bill Mueller's knees may be aching, and they may not be aching, but he isn't dumb enough to say the former right after inking a $10 million contract.

If he's traded to the Giants in mid-season, I take it all back.


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