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4.02.2005

25 Men and A Bottle of Flaxseed Rum (Yo Ho Ho) 

The Giants have whittled, pared, sliced, diced, julienned and scrimshawed the roster down to the requisite 25 strapping menfolk. I'll put the list in the handy-dandy right-hand margin. Below, a couple comments:

* Jeff Fassero on the roster was as inevitable as a feeding tube down the Pope's nose. How perfect was that? One Catholic whose precarious health has millions of people wringing their hands and a rabid media parked outside the window loses her feeding tube, and another Catholic whose precarious...etc., etc....outside the window gains one. Similarly, the Giants lose a 40-year-old person to injury and simply add another one to the roster.

* This blows me away whenever I go to a friend's high-mass Catholic wedding (it's happened a few times): The wine and challah of communion (just checking to see if you're really paying attention) actually is the blood and body of Christ. No, it's not a metaphor, or a simile, or a symbol, or a joke; that wafer is the body of Christ, that goblet is full of his blood. Why does it taste like melba toast and plonk? Hey folks, that's the miracle of transubstantiation. And who are we to doubt? How do we know that Jesus didn't really have whole wheat muscles and a verdant, piquant, quaffable yet not overbearing Type B+?

* Similarly, through the miracle of transabeanstiation the combined offense of Pedro Feliz, Tony Torcato and Marquis Grissom will equal that of Barry Bonds until Barry throws off the weight of the cross, rolls the rock aside and -- Yes, Brother Barry, Yes! -- walks among mortals again!

Can I get an Amen?

* In today's meaningless exhibition game, Giants batters in one stretch swung at Danny Haren's first pitches at least five times in the span of six or seven at-bats. Perhaps more. There were also first-pitch foul balls. There are two explanations for this:

a) The Giants are a veteran team who don't need any more spring training. They're swinging at first pitches to get these meaningless exhibitions games to end sooner.

b) The Giants have accumulated the worst gaggle of impatient hacks and will dearly pay the consequences once the season starts.

* I promise, no more feeding tube references. Unless it's somehow related to the Cha-Cha Bowl, or for some reason you want more feeding tube references. I'm always happy to oblige.

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