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5.27.2004

Do We Have To? 

Watching the game tonight made me think of petulant kids who refuse to do something in their own best interest. They finally do it, but only via the most difficult route possible, making life miserable for everyone.

- Do we have to win the game?

Yes, Giants, you have to. There's really no two ways about it. Just look who you're playing.

- But do we really? The Diamondbacks are such kind men, giving out so many free passes to first base. It would be so cruel to take advantage of them.

No it wouldn't. Everyone does it. Crush their hopes, exploit their weaknesses; it's the way human beings were meant to behave before they started going to Montessori. Also, when a pitcher doesn't want to throw strikes, you don't swing until he throws one down the middle. Good. Very good. Even you, Neifi! Excellent. Looks like we've got that down. No, no, wait, Pedro, don't --

[The groans of 35,000 souls waft skyward.]

Pedro did it again.

Yes, I can see that. Pedro, go sit on the bench and think about what you just did. Let Neifi, er, Deivi, er, Cody...never mind. Pedro, get back in there right now.

But the Diamondbacks are doing it, too.

Yes, that's why they suck. Just watch big dumb Shea. 2 and 0 count, bases loaded, he can afford to take a strike if it's not perfect...double play grounder to short! See?

Damon's big and dumb, too, but he's taking lots of pitches. What's so different about him?

Lasik eye surgery, apparently, and significant weight loss. And maybe he's not as dumb as he looks.

Can't we just let them win one? Winning is hard!

[The loud crack of a bat...more groans.]

See? Matty throws 12 great pitches, then one bad pitch and, bam, game tied. Arizona really deserves this one. Can't we just--

No. Now get back out there and don't be idiots.

But we can't keep doing this night after night and expect to contend!

Go talk to your Uncle Brian.




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