Schmendrick Pierzynski and Other Conundra 

I wrote yesterday morning that Aardsma needed to be demoted, and boom, he was sent down to Fresno, where he'll have to change his name to Aaardsma. Sometimes comedy happens in the subtlest of ways.

So let's see if we can exploit the hole in the ethereal cosmic wainscotting one more time...

Boy, the Giants really need to trade for Carlos Beltran. In exchange, the Royals could use Todd Linden and some promising young pitching. Noah Lowry, for example. He showed promise last night taking over for Jason Schmidt. I mean, it's promising when a young pitcher, just up from the farm for an emergency appearance, has a nice even out-to-hit ratio. Nine outs, nine hits. Next time, spread the hits around a bit more so all those runners don't score. And Aardsma. Allard Baird, forget what I said yesterday. The kid's ready to help. He just needs the relaxed atmosphere of Kauffman Stadium and the craggy face of Benito Santiago behind a catcher's mask to soothe his jangled nerves. What, the Royals would want more than that? Um, Carlos Valderrama? Matt Cain? Boof Bonser? Wait, no, sorry, he's already been traded for A.J. Pierzynski's identical twin brother Schmendrick. OK, you crazy Pierzynski Brothers, the fun's over, time to end the gag. Let A.J. do his baseball thing, and Schmendrick, you go back to your dental practice.

Speaking of which, and I am absolutely not kidding, I had a dream last night that the Giants had traded A.J. back to Minnesota because he was having severe family problems (a cheatin' wife, I think it was) and needed a cozy atmosphere for a while to get his head straightened out. Once he got his personal life under control and his swing fine-tuned, the Twins would send him back to S.F. It was quite a sporting deal, but A.J. didn't seem so thrilled. He packed his bags in shock and left without talking to the media. My dream media, that is. To fill the roster hole, the Giants brought up Jesse Foppert even though his arm was still in a cast.

Only two weeks into the season and I'm already having bad dreams about the Giants. Dr. Leffti Mallot will observe this situation closely and would like the patient to think about coming in twice a week, or on the days someone other than Bonds, Durham or Grissom reaches base safely.

Questions to ponder:

What would happen if the Giants quietly moved back to Candlestick and no one told Michael Tucker? Would he show up, day after day at Blah-Blah-Blah Park, scratch his smooth pate in bewilderment, and eventually go home to South Boston, Va.?

When does Andy Pettitte come off the DL? Neifi Perez wants to know. If it weren't for Pettitte, Neifi would be hitting .120. Oops, sorry. That would be his OPS.

Finally, for Jake Peavy: Oh, no, really, I was trying to throw you a strike. It just happened to end up in your ear-hole. Punk.


This just in: Matt Cain won his first game for the single-A San Jose Giants. He's now thrown 15.2 IP and K'ed 25.


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